Prepare yourself for discomfort.
—"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while."
—“...for so long and whenever [s]he eliminated [her] perversion from [her] literary efforts [s]he was a gifted writer, and as such would have achieved real greatness had [s]he been actuated by normally sexual feelings.”
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I’d like to be known for my…
...vagina.
—Alright, alright, I guess my stupid heart and brilliant mind can tie for second. (My humility comes third.)
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The first thing people notice about me:
The light springing forth from my fingertips? *blows out her index finger, twirls it around, and stuffs it into her pocket*
—But more likely...
—A. You'll send me a text message, and I'll type, "Phones are for calling." You'll send me another text message, and I'll ... nothing. *Debbie Downer trombone*
—Alternate beginning: You'll tell me that I have a nice voice, and I'll see your small talk and raise you conversation that makes you question why you called me.
—2. You’ll wonder why I walk backward to meet you — it’s not only for metaphorical purposes. I’ll stay at your feet to get grounded, and you’ll be confused by my lack of general compliance. (There are magic words, but they aren’t the ones you’ve been taught.)
—You’ll not understand my intentions and get frustrated that I’m not forthcoming behind all of my honesty. I’ll expect to crawl inside you and lay eggs that bloom both into vines that squeeze you and into fish that suck you.
—I’ll be an opioid addict for your attention, scratching at my skin until you pile encyclopedias on me. Holding me down isn’t a sexual act; it’s the only way I’ll be worth the conversation. You’ll decide that *** are an easier way to reach Nirvana, and I’ll return to my car wondering why you didn’t hold my hand as I stepped off the curb.
—But I guess that's the last thing you'll notice.
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Actual comments:
Guy 1: “She brought A Serbian Film over to my house for our first date and refused to kiss me. Talk about mixed messages.”
Guys A and B: “She’s the most lovable X I’ve ever had, but she sucked my penis too hard, slobbered too much on it, and whimpered too loudly during sex.”
*Names have been shortened to protect the victims.*
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I should spend less time…
...masturbating.
...crying.
...both simultaneously.
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If I were sent to jail, it would be for…
...***ing a monkey at the zoo. See, what happened was-- well, I mean-- Long story short: We won't be going to the zoo anytime soon, at least not in the continental U.S.
http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/florida-zoo-employee-killed-while-attempting-to-***-alligator/
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You should message me if…
…you’re the bravest m-effer you know. This is going to take some sleeve-rolling.
...you're okay with the following side effects:
gulping tics, cuticle biting, difficulty sitting still, delirium, seizures, dizziness, narcolepsy, epilepsy, abnormal movements of hands/mouth, clumsiness, and general recklessness. (By “side effects,” I mean “effects on me due to being beside you.”)
...you’ll put music to my ***’s songs.
...you have a slimy, spring-loaded taser of a penis. “No, not the bore worms!”
…you want me to raise your kid (it’s funny ‘cause it’s true).
...you sign a contract acknowledging that any relationship with me heretofore will end in “You cheating bastard, you were supposed to kill her Before you had sex with her!”
———
What my last relationship taught me:
I am ready to level up. Warning: The amount of patience, wisdom, and kindness you’ll need is my-mom level (That’s really high –– if you didn’t know). Either that, or I’ll have to suffer the consequences of my decisions. You don’t want that to happen, do you? *bats eyelashes*
-----------Secure Connection Failed---------
Read user guide for penis-insertion instructions.
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I approve of this message.
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